The 10 Worst Things Homer Has Eaten on ‘The Simpsons,’ Ranked

You don’t need to watch that many episodes of The Simpsons to notice that Homer (Dan Castellaneta) eats a lot. The guy is a machine. When he first tries sushi, he orders everything on the menu and ignores the warning about the potentially fatal fugu. In “Homer’s Triple Bypass,” the man devours an entire second family-sized dinner in bed and keeps going even after he feels significant discomfort in his chest. Apparently he went on a trip to Holland so that he could just eat a bunch of flowers (his secret shame). During an important meeting with his bosses in “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk,” the topic of chocolate sends him on a ten-minute daydream in which he munches on chocolate in his imagination. The list goes on.

Some of Homer’s choices have been wiser than others. The things Mr. Simpson is willing to consume can range from safe (if unhealthy) to disgusting to unidentifiable to completely inedible (or at least advertised that way). When it comes to breaking down his dumbest choices, you have to factor in a few things: what does he know about this substance, what does common sense indicate it can do to him, how much of it does he eat, and how severe are the consequences? Technically, he’s eaten people in a few “Treehouse of Horror” entries, but we’re only counting stuff that’s canon here. Inevitably, at least one hilariously unwise decision will be missed throughout the show’s vast history, but the following items surely demonstrate that Homer needs a food coach by his side 24/7.

10

A Stick of Butter Wrapped in Burnt Waffle Batter

Season 4, Episode 3 “Homer the Heretic”

We all love butter. It makes everything better, but there is such a thing as going too far. Meanwhile, some dishes can be so ruined that it’s far wiser to scrap them and start over than use up your precious butter to improve them. In “Homer the Heretic” (one of Season 4’s best episodes), Mr. Simpson manages to break both of these rules with only two things. Namely, he burns a waffle so badly that it’s reduced to a thin paste of goop. So he wraps it around a whole stick of butter and calls it a day: “Mmm, fattening.”

This doesn’t even look appetizing. The waffle batter belongs in the trash, and putting the butter on a stick doesn’t make it look fancier. It is ill-advised to use that much butter in a dish you’re going to eat alone in one sitting, but Homer clearly doesn’t care about fat in terms of health; he just knows that something fatty will taste good. The butter probably overpowers the crummy waffle, but this has to be one of the laziest and most unhealthy breakfasts of all time.

9

That Jar of Brine at Moe’s

Season 4, Episode 9 “Mr. Plow”

In response to Angela Lansbury walking on hot coals, Homer asks how someone can abuse their body so badly. At that very moment, Moe (Hank Azaria) picks up a huge jar of brine with no more food in it and starts to take it away. Homer exclaims, “Moe, don’t throw out that brine!” So Moe hands the jar to him, and Homer chugs it like there’s no tomorrow. He even closes his eyes, which really emphasizes the man’s passion for his salty beverage.

Brine is obviously edible, but it’s supposed to exclusively be used for pickling. The fact that Homer slams over a gallon of the liquid as if it is water makes for a hilarious misuse of the stuff. It’s one thing to drink the brine left over in a pickle jar; it’s quite another to drink from a jar that’s so big that he needs two hands to hold it. Beer is already dehydrating, but this brine is bound to turn his body into mostly salt.

8

Free Goo

Season 5, Episode 8 “Boy-Scoutz ‘n the Hood”

Bart (Nancy Cartwright) and Milhouse (Pamela Hayden) demand that Apu (Hank Azaria) make them a super-squishy that’s made entirely out of syrup, which is a dangerous prospect in itself. But this list is about Homer, and he manages to do something that’s arguably less responsible. During their night on the town, the boys blow bubbles with a chewing gun that’s so explosive that they get completely covered with the stuff. Cue Homer walking down the street, who sees a bunch of pink stuff and decides to try it.

He gets a little on his finger, puts it in his mouth, and utilizes one of his best catchphrases: “Mmm, free goo.” Though it’s just bubblegum and nothing happens to him, he couldn’t have known either of those things. He just saw a bunch of random goo piled up next to a trash can. Also, there are clearly two entities wriggling around inside the goo. Common sense indicates that these things are alive, and who knows what they are or where they’ve been. The least sanitary thing he’s ever put in his mouth, the goo makes perfectly clear that Homer will eat anything if it’s free (even if he doesn’t know what it is).

7

64 Slices of American Cheese

Season 5, Episode 4 “Rosebud”

A midnight snack can come in many forms: a light sandwich, a yogurt, leftovers from dinner. But when Homer Simpson gets up in the middle of the night for food, he’s not going for the normal stuff. In one of Mr. Burns’ (Harry Shearer) most famous episodes, “Rosebud,” he opens the refrigerator and says, “Mmm, 64 slices of American cheese.” And so it begins, as Homer counts down the number of slices remaining after every one he devours.

It goes without saying that eating 64 slices of cheese in a row is awful for your health, but the fact that he does this all through the night makes the enterprise even more absurd. Midnight snacks are supposed to help you go back to sleep, not stay up. It makes you wonder if he would have kept going if there were, say, 100 slices in a pack instead of just 64. When Marge (Julie Kavner) finds him still in the kitchen in the morning, he tells her that he thinks he’s gone blind. While this proves only a temporary side effect, it’s still a hilariously obvious result of eating all that cheese.

6

Petroleum Jelly

Season 4, Episode 4 “Lisa the Beauty Queen”

We now venture into the inedible. One of Lisa’s (Yeardley Smith) best episodes in the series sees her become a successful beauty queen, which means her father gets backstage access while she’s putting on a show. After watching his little girl use petroleum jelly on her teeth to improve her smile, Homer decides that maybe he can eat it. It’s not the craziest jump in the world, but it’s still extremely stupid and classic Homer.

The man is old enough to know what petroleum jelly is, and there’s no way he’s ever seen anybody eat it. But after trying some, he somehow likes the taste and starts scooping it by the handful like a bear with a honey jar. Soon the whole jar is empty, which is a lot for something that’s not supposed to be eaten. While Homer doesn’t seem to have any adverse effects from this experiment, he should consider himself lucky.

5

Toxic Waste

Season 11, Episode 6 “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”

As we all know from Mary Poppins, a spoonful of toxic waste makes the tardiness go down. After Homer gets caught showing up late for work, Mr. Burns (Harry Shearer) assigns him a hysterically evil punishment: eat dozens of barrels of toxic waste. Carl (Hank Azaria) says there must be two to three-hundred gallons in that room, and Lenny (Harry Shearer) points out that even a teaspoon can cause a malignant tumor.

Based on the quantity and what it can do, this theoretically should be way at the top of this list. But we only see him eat two spoons worth, and it doesn’t seem he’s had much more. Lenny and Carl casually ask if he wants to go bowling, which may have saved his life (since he joins them immediately). That seems to be the end of the punishment, as Burns doesn’t seem to enforce it later in the episode. While its effects appear to be minimal, this is still easily one of the worst things he’s eaten.

4

Expired Plankton

Season 10, Episode 23 “Thirty Minutes over Tokyo”

The 99 Cent store can be pretty convenient, but the 66 Cent store looks a little shady. And whatever you do, don’t buy any food at the 33 Cent store. Homer learns this the hard way when he finds a shelf of canned plankton. According to the Mexican Council of Food, these cans expired two years ago. But that won’t stop Mr. Simpson; he doesn’t even wait to buy it before digging his hand in there and trying some.

And it immediately turns his head purple. A rightfully concerned Lisa (Yeardley Smith) continues to read from the can, telling her father that the old plankton can cause red tide poisoning. Sweating profusely, her father responds with a flawed logic that tells us he only cares about the money: “But it’s so…cheap!” Then he downs the rest of the can, and we don’t see any further consequences. Make no mistake, though; there definitely are. He was told more than one troubling thing about this plankton and immediately felt sick upon the first bite, yet he kept eating anyway. Which makes this one of his worst food choices ever.

Season 4, Episode 13 “Selma’s Choice”

While Homer could technically have been in danger while hallucinating on those peppers, his life was more directly in danger when he kept eating that absurdly long sandwich in “Selma’s Choice.” There was a social outing where apparently little progress was made on a ten-foot hoagie, so Homer brought it home with him. After eating it for a week, Homer was told by his wife that it looked like the mayonnaise was going bad. Homer’s response is hilarious: “Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge!”

Then we see Marge holding the sandwich (now purple) by her fingertips as if it’s a dead rat, telling Homer she found it behind the radiator. Who knows how long it was there for, but he still doesn’t throw it away. Lying in bed from food poisoning, he still wants to eat the rest of this moldy monstrosity. His lips turn blue in the car, he shivers like he’s in the middle of a blizzard, he turns pale—clearly in no condition to go to Duff Gardens. Homer knows it’s the hoagie’s fault, yet he still wants to eat more. Defying all common sense and with pretty significant consequences, this is one of the worst things that man has ever consumed.

2

Spoiled Meat

Season 5, Episode 13 “Homer and Apu”

Apu wondered if he had gone too far when he put expired ham on the bargain table, but assured himself that no one would dare to touch it. In comes Homer, who immediately exclaims, “Woohoo! Cheap meat!” The ham promptly gives him food poisoning that sends him to the hospital, but that’s only the first half of this story. When Homer goes back to the Kwik-E-Mart to confront Apu, the store owner offers him five pounds of “frozen” shrimp.

To give Homer a little credit, he notices that the shrimp isn’t frozen. It smells funny, too, but then Apu offers him ten pounds and Homer’s concerns immediately vanish: “Woohoo!” With this hilariously dumb reply, we all know where this is going. He winds up in the ambulance again, and this time he’s so sick that he tries to get revenge on Apu. Yet again, thinking about getting a bargain over considering his own health lands Homer (and the Kwik-E-Mart) in a very bad spot.

1

The Hallucinatory Peppers

Season 8, Episode 9 “El Viaje Misterioso del Nuestro Jomer”

Time for the annual cook-off. Chief Wiggum (Hank Azaria) has fired up a chili using spicy peppers grown deep in a jungle by inmates of a Guatemalan psychiatric facility. Homer likes making everyone at the cook-off look incompetent, so he goes straight for the peppers. The moment his tongue makes contact with one, Mr. Simpson flies into a desperate need to cool his mouth. But he does more than that, unfortunately.

He pours candle wax into his mouth so that it can coat his tongue (hopefully without swallowing any of the wax). Then he downs a number of peppers whole, despite knowing firsthand how hot they are. The wax may have made his tongue impervious to the peppers’ effects, but the rest of his body is still vulnerable. What ensues is essentially a powerful acid trip that makes “El Viaje Misterioso del Nuestro Jomer” a very weird episode. He could have injured himself in any number of ways, stumbling around town like that. By the way, he never even tried the chili itself—just the peppers. In trying to make himself look indestructible, he made himself more vulnerable than ever.